14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
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*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!