ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
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I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more