All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
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the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
the red hot silly peppers
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura