Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
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I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?