The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
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My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Hamburger Hinderer.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.