11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
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I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Storm Tropical Storm
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺