Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
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We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Customize Your Wedding.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Happy Halloween 🎃
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).