i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
You Might Also Like
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Autocarrot sucks!
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)