An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
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Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)