Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
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Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
According to math, I’m broke