I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
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CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round