It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
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[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.