At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
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*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked