There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
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I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?