A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
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My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.