[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
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[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.