Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
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Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
fair
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait