Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
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I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Cats are still liquid.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]