*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
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Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
rapatouille
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”