God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
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I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.