He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
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My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you