Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
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teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Raisins are grape jerky.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.