My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
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Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.