If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
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genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.