*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
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My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
sensitive skin
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”