3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
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The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
? 💀
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Hmmmmm
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.