If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
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*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.