My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
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A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating