Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
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Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich