Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
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I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.