Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
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Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Childbirth is so beautiful
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.