“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
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*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.