Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
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My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.