Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
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*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
this is me
Leonardo DiCaprisun
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary