PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
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I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Finally
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I can also cook 😂
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.