Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
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American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.