You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
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My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”