Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
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Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
i choose….tongue
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market