Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
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Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
when someone rings the doorbell
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
The Joker was right
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.