Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight π Congratulations England, richly deserved ππ½π #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
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[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
When youβre cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dogβs chart at the vet says βmust be picked up, wonβt walkβ.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Was complaining to my mom about my daughterβs attitude and she told me I shouldβve named her payback.
John wonβt let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
When your kid says βI told you I knew how to be goodβ and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didnβt know at all
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
me: *holding my black eye* honey Iβm home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
This is my brand.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.