the pigeons are already plenty salty
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When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.