Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
You Might Also Like
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Sorry I made promises on Friday
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
that’s really how it is
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Tuesday
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works