From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
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Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Please do it!
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
real
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.