A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
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EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.