We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
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My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
adding to the discourse
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.