That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
You Might Also Like
How is it still this week?
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I created you as mosquito food.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.