This January has 47 Mondays
You Might Also Like
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I love snow
– People who never shovel
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face