To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
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An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Banana is the quietest snack
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no