Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
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i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.