Terribly Tuesday.
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The happy life.. 😊
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
You learn something every day
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.